I don’t know what day it is as far a count goes, but I didn’t drink today so I’m beginning to think that is how I will measure if it is a good or bad day.  I’ve been told that I’m crazy for not drinking for the 6 months I committed to.  Some people question it, not with a why.  But with a why the fuck would you?  As if they take offense at your attempt to stop.   That’s fine, what I’m doing I’m not doing for really anyone else but me at this point.  I guess my family too, which no matter how fucked up I have been over the years, I have always tried, or thought, that I put ahead of myself.

I think I’m quitting drinking and I think I’m an alcoholic.  I say think, because, I think there is a part of me that is always going to doubt that I can’t pick up a drink just to enjoy the bouquet.  To be able to smell the fine craftsmanship of a 21 year Belvenie.  I don’t want to quit drinking even though 99% of me knows I have to.  I want to be able to find that perfect balance.  I want to be able to toe the line between consciousness and passed out.  I want to be able to get so close to being high and drunk that I can barely function and every thought that spews from my heavily sedated brain is pure genius. I want to be able to slow down all the rapid firing thoughts going on in my brain to a manageable level.  To where I could have what I feel, in my fucked up mind, are peaceful lucid thoughts.

I have achieved this silent lucidity a few times this year.  Each time I have though, has also come the horrible feeling that I need to quit and I have a problem.  I have laid in bed for several hours after these binges feeling worse and worse about myself.  I have noticed that

sorry if I paused there, though you may have not noticed I stopped for about 12 minutes.  I was writing this on the fly, but I’m watching Rachel Maddow shred this homophobe Richard Cohen. Wow, what a thrasing.

Annnnyyywhooooo

I have noticed that since I haven’t had a drink I have craved, desired, and wanted a drink less and less.  The more situations I am in that I would normally drink where I don’t drink is one more event in my life that I find I don’t actually need a drink.

I am not sure what the most recent event was that I was part of but it was recently that I didn’t even think about having a drink.  Normally I place a stupid timestamp on when I can begin.  “I won’t drink until 4:30″, I would tell myself.  Then, after waiting an excruciating 3 hours, pop the cork or the cap and off I go.  When I drank it didn’t always lead to being drunk.  Though increasingly that was becoming the case.  I would put it off long enough to prevent myself from having too many before I go to bed.  I knew if I started having some too early after 2 or 3, then it would be 6.  So these little victories where I was able to control my drinking allowed me to continue on.

My body wasn’t processing the alcohol like it used to so sleeping was becoming difficult.  I was trying to find something that I could drink that wouldn’t bother my sleep.  There wasn’t anything out there.  Apparently, it wasn’t the type of drink, but the alcohol.  Go figure.  I used to be able to put away a dozen or so beers on a Friday and come back for another 12 or so on a Saturday evening.  If I hadn’t started drinking that afternoon I’m pretty confident up until about 6 months ago, I could without a problem put away a case and a half on a weekend.  Oh, and don’t forget smoke myself silly.

There are few things better than blazing away and sucking down a 90 minute IPA.  I gotta tell you, that shit is good.  Sitting on an Adirondack chair, watching a buddy grill up his famous shrimps and talking about politics or pop culture on a Friday night are/will have been some of the best times I’ve had.

I say had because I think tonight after attending my first AA meeting in about 9 years I can’t go back to that lifestyle.  My heart can’t take it.  My kidney’s are apparently that of a 70 year old.  Who the hell knows what my liver looks like.  I’m overweight.  I’ve broken a bone in each foot.  I’ve been unemployed.  I’ve been close to divorce a 2nd time.

I’m not sure that I won’t ever drink or drug again.  I don’t know how I won’t.  There are thousands of reasons I think I need a drink to have a good time.  I want to tell myself that I can handle it.  That I will be able to have just one.

I didn’t drink today, and it was yet another day that I would have held off having a drink for a few hours to achieve that self congratulating benchmark I would set.  Once that goal was achieved, I would then chug away, satisfied that I had avoided reaching for a drink when I “really” wanted it.  I had recognized what my body was doing.  Acknowledged it.  Didn’t drink for 90 minutes.  Then drank.  Then was satisfied that I didn’t drink when I wanted the drink.

Nah, I’m fine.  I don’t have a problem do I?  I have some stories that I know several of the people that read this blog can nod their head and say ooooohhhhh yeah, I remember that.  Some of my former “crew” witnessed a few occasions as well.  I will save those stories for other evenings though.

There’s always an excuse to drink and a reason not to.